What if They Find Out?

I've been having nightmares recently. They vary in content and level of scariness. There doesn't seem to be any one consistent theme. Nor can I detect that one thing that I'm doing during the hours preceding bedtime that might be causing me to have these scary dreams. Other than the fact that I've experienced a variety of stressors lately, I can't put my finger on why I'm having nightmares most every night.

But these nightmares don't faze me at all in comparison to the haunting premonition that eases its way into my consciousness ever so often. This "nightmare" is definitely caused by one of my biggest fears: the fear of being found out.

Some days, when my sense of security is a little fragile, I worry that everyone will find out that I really am not who I claim to be. That I'm not really:
 I don't know if this nightmare is unique to me or if it's something that someone out there might identify with, but I know that it has stuck with me for years. It's similar to that feeling that you've never really become an adult and that you still get to think about "what I'll be when I grow up." But it also carries shades of simply feeling that you're not an expert on anything.

By now shouldn't I be an expert on something? I see 20-somethings writing books and appearing on Good Morning America touting their expertise and I wonder when I'm going to become an aficionado on anything. And make no mistake about it--this is not just a matter of humility. I'm sure it's more insecurity than humility.

So that's where I'm at today. I'm sitting at my computer writing the additional four devotionals my official editor assigned me so I can meet my official deadline, but I'm not feeling very official at all. I'm trying to keep the re-occurring nightmare at bay, but I'm also watching my front door and expecting the official police any time now.

Anybody out there identify at all?

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